The Paradox of Change: Why Accepting Yourself Is the First Step to Healing

 Inspired by Arnold Beisser’s Paradoxical Theory of Change

Paradoxical Theory of Change

People often come to therapy with one goal in mind: to become someone else.

More resilient. More productive. More successful. Funnier. Happier. "Better."

It seems like a noble mission — self-development, improvement, striving for more. But underneath that constant drive to change is often something much deeper and more painful: the belief that who we are right now is not enough.

This is what Arnold Beisser explored in his Paradoxical Theory of Change — that true change doesn’t happen when we try to become something we’re not. It happens when we start to fully accept who we are.

The Trap of Conditional Love

Many of us grew up hearing subtle (or not-so-subtle) versions of: “I’ll love you if...” or “I love you, but...”

Those small phrases may seem harmless, but over time they shape a powerful belief: that we need to earn love by being someone different. That being ourselves isn’t quite good enough.

So we work hard. We smile when we’re crumbling inside. We push through exhaustion. We chase perfection. We keep fighting to become the version of ourselves we believe is finally worthy of acceptance.

But the truth is, that fight often leads to suffering.

What If Nothing Is Wrong With You?

I’ve had many clients — deeply depressed, anxious, or burned out — come into my office and say: "Nothing is helping me. You’re my last chance."

And after just a few sessions, something begins to shift. When I ask what changed, the answer is almost always the same:

“You told me it’s okay to feel this way.”

That’s the paradox. The moment we stop forcing ourselves to feel different, to be different, something softens. The pressure lifts. The nervous system settles. And then — change begins.

Not because we’re pushing for it, but because we’re finally allowing ourselves to be.

Change Rooted in Love

We’re wired for growth. You can see it in a small child — no one needs to force them to learn to walk, talk, or explore the world. They do it naturally, because development is in our nature.

But when we grow up in an environment full of “shoulds” — You should be successful, happy, nice, strong, positive… — we lose touch with that natural rhythm. We start performing instead of being.

And healing is not about performing. It’s about remembering who you were before the world told you who you should be.

The Fear of Letting Go

Of course, there’s often fear around acceptance. Many people worry, "If I let myself be depressed, I’ll fall apart. I’ll never come back. I’ll lose everything and everyone."

But in my experience, the opposite is true.

When you allow yourself to feel what’s already there — sadness, grief, fear, numbness — you create space. You stop the inner war. You come home to yourself.

And from that place of compassion, change begins to unfold. Naturally. Gently. Without force.

You Don’t Have to Become Someone Else

You don’t need to become someone else to be okay. You don’t need to earn your worth. You are not broken.

The paradox is: when you finally stop trying so hard to change, you begin to heal. Not by becoming someone different, but by becoming more fully yourself.